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[Oct. 14th, 2008|11:18 am] |
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So I came here to try and figure out how to do this stupid thing. ( rd my comp ) Which is not nice, on the part of LJ. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|02:07 am] |
I feel like I've shuffled all of my priorities around, and I'm kind of finding my place in a way.
Things aren't great, but they definitely are better.
I've been writing a little more, and I'm happy about that. I gave up on the idea of writing, and I'm pretty happy with that as well. Maybe that's why I'm writing more in the first place.
I've made some pretty big decisions/changes lately and I'm happy with most of them.
I got accepted to the research program I wanted :), which if nothing else is an immense ego boost.
Apparently my amazing boss (really amazing) is really proud of me, and admires me as a person, and I feel pretty proud of myself because of it :). Yet again, much needed ego boost.
I'm messing up in 2 classes, but I think I might be able to fix that.
I'm tired all of the time, and 33% of the time I hate it, 33% of the time I'm too tired to even think about how much I hate it, but an amazing 34% of the time I feel accomplished and like it's worth it.
I'm not getting the stipend that's supposed to come with the research program, because I'm not a citizen. And even though this is going to make my life so much more difficult for the next year or so, I feel like I'll be so proud of myself at the end of it, for being able to handle it all, that it's absolutely worth all the trouble.
For the first time ever, I'm really proud of myself. And I'm happy with the kind of person I am.
Reading Thoreau made a bigger change in me than I realized. At one point in Civil Disobedience he says something that paraphrased sounds like: If I take a plank from a drowning man unjustly, I have to return it even if means I drown myself. This is obviously a hyperbole, but I've been trying to stick to his sense of morality as close as I can and I'm really proud of having helped more than a few people lately, even if in just small ways, and of having harmed no one at all.
I can't say I'm happy or satisfied with my life now, but I'm happy with me, and I'm happy with where I see me.
It's almost Spring :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2007|01:23 am] |
I've never read anything that makes more sense to me than Walt Whitman.
"The atmosphere is not a perfume it has no taste of the distillation, it is odorless,
It is for my mouth forever.... I am in love with it,
I will go to the bank by the wood and become undisguised and naked,
I am mad for it to be in contact with me.
The smoke of my own breath,
Echoes, ripples, buzz'd whispers, love-root, silk-thread, crotch and vine,
My respiration and inspiration, the beating of my heart, the passing of blood and air through my lungs,
The sniff of green leaves and dry leaves, and of the shore and dark- color'd sea-rocks, and of hay in the barn,
The sound of the belch'd words of my voice loos'd to the eddies of the wind,
A few light kisses, a few embraces, a reaching around of arms,
The play of shine and shade on the trees as the supple boughs wag,
The delight alone or in the rush of the streets, or along the fields and hillsides,
The feeling of health, the full-noon trill, the song of me rising from bed and meeting the sun."
- from Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself"
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|09:16 pm] |
So everything has gone to shit since the last time I wrote :(
The only good thing is that we found a place to move. It's a 4 bedroom apt so we'll have some room, which is cool. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2007|11:29 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Iggy & the Stooges - Search and Destroy | ] |
I've become a B+ student. "Whatev. I don't even caire. I don't even like jelly." I've been sitting in the school library since about 10 and I haven't written a single sentence of my paper. I'm just not that interested.
I think I've been too CHEERY lately to be interested in anything other than being cheery. I haven't written a single thing in a couple of months, which says tons about this perpetual good mood I'm in (with tiny tiny insignificant breaks). It's fucking awesome. :) I'm off from work from now (Thurs) until next week Weds (yay!) and I'm off for Spring Break after I finish this paper :D So this means lots of free time for me (hooray!). Too bad you people are all leaving....
Oh! And the Kings of Leon are playing in Roseland on June 5th and in Boston the day before that. I want to go to both. Who'll take the bus/train, or make Deirdre get a license and borrow her dads car and drive me, to Boston? Seriously. :) I'm buying. The only thing is, I heard one of the songs on the new cd and I hated it :(
Hooray!
And I still have not written this fucking paper. Son of a bitch. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2007|10:01 am] |
I finally took the CPE, so I'm pretty glad that's out of the way :). The only thing is it takes 6-8 weeks for me to get the results, and be able to apply for a degree from Kingsborough. I also have to adjust my tuition payments since I dropped the two classes after I made the payment plan. That I should do soon, but I have no idea where I put my copy of the form :[
I guess I always assume the worst from people when I get some shady news. It's kind of a tough habit to break. But it keeps making me flip out when I should be pretty okay.
Frankie's party was fun :)
It's way too cold outside. And it's way too snowy for March.
I have exactly 3 hours to write a paper (that's already late) before class starts. I can't get myself to concentrate. I either need less, or more school. I don't think I can live with a balanced schedule.
Work is uber slow, meaning I'm really broke. All my saved up money is gone :`( |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 5th, 2007|04:02 pm] |
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Things haven't sucked this bad in a really long time. I'm pissed off, not even pissed off, just depressed, enough to regret ever even letting myself get that happy about anything in the first place. Or maybe I'm exaggerating. Who knows? I sure as hell don't. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 11th, 2007|01:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
I keep having these really stressed out/angry-ish dreams, so I wake up exhausted from a 8-10 hr sleep. Ridiculous. Last night I literally went to war, I can't remember what for, but there was some battle thing in NY and I was doing some kind of directing stuff. Everything was blowing up all over the place. The city was really bizarre- it was supposed to be 1888, but it was more modern than it is now. There was something else going on in a dessert shop too. I think I was there with Deirdre at some points, some random chick at others, and we kept fighting about things. OU, and Reese Witherspoon was in there at one point, and Frankie too. And my little sisters friend was stealing stuff from my house (which had this really great back court thing with vine covered brick walls) so that she could run away. Just random shit. The night before that I dreamt I was at work the ENTIRE night, and every time I would get something done I would notice a new room full of people I hand't even been in before. So I had to keep running and running and running, this roaring crowd sound kind of drowning me out. I kept waking up and just continuing the dream where it left off. The dream before that something had come into my moms room through the window, and the wall separating our rooms was gone. Her room was completely empty and I was on my bed, and I knew whatever it was was coming but I couldn't move.
The funny thing is, I haven't been this NOT STRESSED out in so damn long. Things are pretty chill right now. For once, everything seems to be going right. I have less school, less work, more sleep, more people that I like around me all the time. Things are genuinely doing pretty okay. Where are the goddamn meadow dreams to go with my fucking good mood?! I feel cheated.
Anyway, my birthday was awesome! Though I don't remember most of it... :) I have some very cool people to thank and loooooooooooooove (LOOOOOOOOOVE) for that :D. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 26th, 2007|08:21 pm] |
I'm ordering some Amazon.com stuff, and need some recommendations. So far, the list looks like this:
1) The First Third - Neal Cassady
2) The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test - Tom Wolfe
3) City Life - Donald Barthelme
4) The Days Run Away Like Wild Horses Over the Hills - Charles Bukowski
5) You Get So Alone At Times It Just Makes Sense - Charles Bukowski
6) Love Is a Dog From Hell: Poems 1974-1977 - Charles Bukowski
7) The Last Nostalgia: Poems, 1982-1990 - Joe Bolton
8) The Norton Anthology of English Literature (School pthaw)
?
Feel free to toss in some movies or cd's, or even to kill off something on the list...
:p
Still good
Carolina |
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| "but If you close the door.... tu tu turu tu ruru" |
[Jan. 25th, 2007|01:14 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Velvet Underground - After Hours | ] |
My god, I have no emotional stability whatsoever. Right now though, I'm feeling pretty okay. =)
I woke up early to go to KCC and do laundry. Didn't make it. I'm on vacation goddamit! So I lazied around which was awesome, went to this new work place, was nervous at first, and then loved it. I like this place SOOO much better. I met some pretty cool people. It turns out one of my favorite people in the universe bartends while I waitress. Totally unexpected, but awesome. I made lots of money on a Weds which is weird. It didn't really feel like I was working. It was more like hanging out with some really great people, only occasionally picking up shit, and then getting paid pretty damn well for it. Oh, and I think that the other waiter is my soulmate. I'm serious. I've never met anyone more like myself when I'm at my best. Even down to how I loath the taste of mint. It's almost creepy.
I'm curious to see what my mood'll be on the next entry.
I finally got every song Kings of Leon's ever recorded. And I loved every single one of them, EVERY single one. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 19th, 2007|02:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
I feel pretty damn relieved right now. Things aren't soooo bad after all. ^_^
I really have to apologize for being so goddamm gloomy, paranoid, and just plain uber miserable lately. There's one person who especially needs this apology, since most of my paranoidness somehow centered itself on this person. Probably because this is the friend I'd be the MOST upset about losing, and I kind of feel like I'm losing A LOT of things these days. You know who you are, Tara Hanson Beckham. Anyway, erase the way I've been for the last weeks from your memory. Really, please do. Oh, and we need a secret handshake, just because Alf has so many of them that I think I'm jealous. :P
So I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm waking Deedee (when did I start calling you that?) up at the crack of DAWN and dragging her out to uhhhhh, I don't know since it'll be, well, dawn. Anyway, she'll probably just want to lounge in Starbucks (like the Ipod owning yuppie that she'll soon become :p), but I finally feel like I'm on vacation, in the good way.
The point is, I'm falling asleep in a great mood tonight, and I really hope I'll be waking up in the same kind of deal. I have a feeling I'll be even gladder about this tomorrow.
Carolina.
P.S. Alan should gain 60 pounds, a blonde mustanche, and start wearing pink. ;) |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 25th, 2006|02:09 am] |
Tonight at work a drunk costumer made racist jokes about the bartender to the bartender. Then this psychotic waitress, who doesn't like the bartender because of some ridiculous misunderstanding, started picking at this guy too with friends of hers seated at the bar. This poor guy ends up completely surrounded by 6 or 7 people just edging him on. Its Christmas eve and these people have absolutely nothing better to do, no one to see, but sit drunk at a restaurant's bar and make racist jokes about an awesome bartender. As usually happens, instead of getting angry about it, I just get depressed. This year has been significant in disappointments if not in anything else. When I start to think that people can't get much lower, there goes someone I sincerely liked turned into shit. Everyone's so damn dramatic about every little thing and gets angry at you when you're not dramatic along with them. Like I'm supposed to waste my time sympathizing with someone who's shamelessly ruining something great for someone else, without them in the least deserving it. So some random person made you angry... it's never enough of an excuse to take it out on someone else. Apologizing afterwards just doesn't cut it after the fourth, fifth, twentieth time. Have some human decency. Try to at least. Pretend that you care about someone besides yourself.
On days like these I sincerely miss lying on the grass by the white thing, listening to Simon and Garfunkle, thinking of nothing and loving everything. I can't figure out if I was really as happy then as I think I was or if its all just in the retrospect. Whatever it was, I would kill to be there instead of here.
Tomorrow I'm spending the day in Conneticut, with someone who I happen to still have a lot of faith in. Then Tuesday I'm meeting Deirdre and probably Andrey to exchange some gifts, and somewhere during the day going over to New Jersey to visit Pedro.
I just need a vacation. I need a full night of sleep. I need to wake up and not have planned anything. I need to wake up, at least a few days, really far away from here. Fuck time. I need distance. I need a continent's worth of distance. |
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| greasin' up the lance for your small-fry (its Marcy Playground) |
[Oct. 11th, 2006|11:14 am] |
For my smelly Deirdre:
ahem.
"
Ah, She's an eight ball,
She's a'rollin faster than a white wall,
She's got an avalanche packed into a snowball,
She's a losin all the links,
She's like a stonewall,
She's loaded up,
...
She's comin up from,
comin up from, comin up,
comin up from behind,
Yeah,
She's comin up from,
comin up from, comin up,
comin up from behind,
...
It's a longshot,
She's got a troop and a tongue for a slingshot,
But she's takin' steady aim
At the bigshots,
It's hard to miss the rolling-polies
On the blacktop,
You better watch your turf,
...
Yeah,
She's comin up from,
comin up from, comin up,
comin up from behind,
" |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2006|02:11 pm] |
So here's something I just noticed, in no particular order, ahem:
I love Andrey.
I love Deirdre.
I need more Joe.
I need more Ashley.
I need more Danielle.
I miss Tim.
I miss Pedro.
I miss Alex.
Oh, and Dee: I still have that pic of you. It involves a funeral album and you dancing in a green plastic suit. :P |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2006|04:16 pm] |
My school schedule turned out okay somehow :D. It took about 10-11 hrs on line and all my summes savings :( BUT my schedule is fantastic. I'm taking 12 credits but only have classes on Monday and Wednesday. How great is that?! :) I took 3 English classes and 1 philosophy class, so the reading lists are insane. :) Haha I dont know if that should really get a smiley face...
Work is getting a little weird. This old Indian woman cursed me out a couple of times and then started crying hysterically at a table last night. WTF? I have no idea what to even SAY about last night. It was just fucking BAD.
The promenade right behind work is one of the most beautiful places at night I've ever been in. Sunday night after work we all sat around (the staff) and had some drinks so I went for a walk before meeting my sister (she works nearby) and turned this corner and was smack on the promenade. It was absolutely gorgeous. I just lay on this bench for about an hr and a half and couldn't get myself to leave. Its the best view of the city and the Brooklyn and Manhattan bridges I've ever seen, and I'm not really big on city views. I loved it. But I really need to stop leaving people tipsy phone messages. Haha. You all know who you are. Ahem. Sorry about that.
I miss a lot of you! I promise to be more around in the near future....
Oh, and Tobias Mindernickle. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 12th, 2006|01:33 am] |
MANU CHAO - Bongo Bong
MANU CHAO - Bongo Bong
MANU CHAO - Bongo Bong
Definitely my happy song.
=) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2006|01:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | thievery corporation - lebanese blonde | ] |
today was just ridiculous.
some drunk guy with a pink lace scarf tied around his head and fake roses coming out of his shirt and head band came up to me and said, "hey hun, i'm from detroit, can I have a kiss?... but i'm from detroit!... i'm in america and i can't even get a little smooch?!" while i was at work.
then some drunk mexican came over, and for the first time ever i was actually glad that tommy, my psychotic boss, was around tonight. he just kept going "do you know who you're talking to?!... i'm a lion!... a marine corp, a lion!!... you hear me? a lion!"
someone made me nervous and awkward, so now i think they think that i want to be some kind of "erotic dancer". haha. i really dont. it was an accident!
i miss being able to see people. :\ that's it, i need days off.
on the plus side: summer classes are officially over so i'm off from school until aug 30. i have a full month and made some kind of vague plans for going away and such, but i'm not sure if people are still up for things.
and i will NOT accompany any of you to see Miami Vice. really. i wont.
hmmmn.
i give sprint, and me, a d-. |
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| All hail the flying spaghetti monster! |
[Jul. 7th, 2006|03:04 am] |
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So today was a not good day. That is ofcourse until I saw my best friend in the whole world... deirdre. She looked so pretty as she always does. Then she cheered me up because of her great sense of humor and gleaming personality. I wish I could be as cool as her. But no one can. I am just grateful to know her and have the honor of being in her presence. (its hard to be carolina, I'm not allow to make type-o's) As I was saying, I like deirdre better then anyone I know. THIS INCLUDES ANDREY ESPECIALLY! I made up my mind about this and I like her better. Sorry Andrey, your just not as sexy. or funny. or smart. (I love you sweetheart) Now to talk about myself. I, Carolina, love my toes despite their strong fishy odor. Besides that I am smelly other places. Since I am brown I like to steal stuff and smell like New Jersey. BITCH where are my coco puffs? Did I mention how smelly I am? My underwear is red! LOOK ITS RED! I like to poke people in the eye. And then I smoke crack. Who will join me on the quest to find the seventeen pirates in exsistance in the year 2000??? It will be an epic journey. I just hope you can stand the smell. |
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| Where did you come from? Where did you go? |
[Jul. 5th, 2006|01:25 am] |
I like rum.
But then again, I am pretty brown these days.
Best July 4th thus far.
=)
Oh, and Italy won today.
I still can't believe Brazil lost.
What kind of shit is that?!!?!
Really. |
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